A saga of my own: a tale of adventure and drama – Reading the Stephenie Meyer Twilight series.
I would like to express my unique relationship with the twilight movies/books
It was around 2 Am saturday morning, i had watched all the episodes of that week, and had seen like 3 other movies, bored to the bone and still not feeling sleepy, i convinced myself to watch twilight. Now the movie was shit, from a cinematographic perspective. Kristen Stewart is a horrible actress, in all her movies she acts the same way, she bites her lip the same way, she is not acting ladies and gentleman, she is being herself, the movie industry has actually found a person that does not act and her mind destructive gestures and pre-homo sapien speech somehow attracts man and woman alike. Stewart is a goldmine, all she has to do is remember few lines and we got ourselves a girl that somehow a wider spectra of girls can relate to. Its amazing.
Ok Back to my story. So it was 2 am, I had completed watching the movie. I felt like the movie industry was being pressured by a far right conservative group that did not approve of any sexual contact between our human and vampire (vampires do not have diamond skin by the way, that they do in this saga is disgusting and outrageous) teens. This was also pointed out to me by my English professor who had also watched the movie when it had come out in theaters. The feeling that the movie left me with was making me uneasy, I do not like conservative ideologies when it comes to sex and I do not like the shape that the movie industry has taken concerning sexual intercourse and general contact between anyone that may suggest anything sexual or remotely sexual, hence inappropriate for the public.
So the movie ends with our human and vampire teens dancing, if you call that dancing since Bella has a broken leg. To add, during the film, if one has not read the books, midway Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) gets the hots for Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), and wants to have more than a kiss, and Edward, on the bases that he may rip her throat out, restrains himself. Now isn’t this very clever, on Stephenie Meyer’s part for writing it this way, our teens are not allowed to have more than a kiss based on Edward’s condition of thirst to kill and drink. Very convenient for the conservative constituency, lets not make this into a political story. The point I am trying to make is totally different. As a curious human, I needed to find out if the relationship between the vampire and the human girl lead anywhere, hopefully to steamy humvampi sex. This may sound like some outrageous fetish of a perverted nineteen-so year old “boy”, well it is an outrageous fetish of this nineteen-so year old “boy”.
So what did this nineteen-so year old “boy” pervert do? Well I being the “boy” , knowing that the film is based on a series of novels, searched the internet for the books, and was able to find an ebook version of them. For the purposes of this story I will say I bought the ebooks. So here I was at around 4 am, the movie is 121 minutes, I had finished the film and was not sleepy at all, instead I was angry, first at myself for watching this trash and secondly at the movie and Meyer for not letting the vampi sex to happen. This brings me to another aspect, I think that Meyer left the sex to the last books because she or her publishing team knew this interesting fact. The readers of the first book, if they were too young would be older by the time the last book came out, the same is true for the movies. The sex is left to the end because it will be appropriate for the readers/viewers that have aged since the first installment.
I had the books in front of me, and having watched the first movie I did not care to read it, for me it was pointless, I still have not read the first book, so you crazy fans can trash me as much as you please. So I started with the second installment of the series. New Moon, is 563 pages long, I read these 563 painful pages of descriptive writing and useless dialogue in a record 7 hours. Well it might have been a bit more than that but we have to keep on with the story because it was around 11 AM saturday that my parents came into my room and saw me sitting in the chair instead in bed and were told that I am reading Shakespeare, I was ashamed to say I was reading this excuse for writing, in one word shit or in sixty-two words, a creation for the mindless Americanized teen and adult readers who are unable to actually read books and need to be fed books like movies, meaning books that ignore writing as a tool to inspire and teach and concentrate on creating fantasy worlds with every twig explained because readers now days have no imagination of their own to create the world themselves.
So I had not moved from my seat in thirteen hours, ten for the movie and the book and three for the previous movies that I watched. you may think that my ass was in pain and my head hurt, and yes my ass was in pain and my head did hurt. But being the compulsive idiot that I am I did not stop at one book, at 11AM I got up and took a shower and ate some “something”. And straight back to reading the third book, the second one for me. Eclipse is 629 pages, that is 629 pages of no sex, just more scary vampire bitch who wants to kill Bella and a self hating werewolf who can’t fucken grow up and stop cutting himself (dumb ass you heal, blading yourself will not help, not that he is emo and is cutting himself this is just the way I felt about Jacob). So 629 pages is not hard for me to read people, it should not be hard for your to read either not that I am recommending this shit.
I started reading at around 12 PM Saturday and finished 9 hours later. Thanks to my mother who had not seen me read so much since the previous Saga of shit, the Harry Potter books, fed me well while I ruined my eyesight, I was reading the ebooks people on a computer screen, to be precise, thank god I have a Macbook Pro and the screen is considerably easier on the eyes. By this time my ass really hurt, I could feel the end of my spinal cord, the conus medullaris, stabbing my ass. So at 9 PM I took a well earned break, mind you I had homework and other work to do, since I was a second semester student at NYU Poly, but who cares I needed to find out if they have sex. But my eyes hurt too much, I could not continue anymore. So I went to bed. Ohh sleep how much I had missed you.
At around 5 AM I woke up hungry and eager to complete my journey through the wretched world created by Meyer and re-created by my own inhumane and perverted mind. So the third installment of my saga began at 5AM Sunday morning, I dressed myself and sat back in my Ikea poang armchair, which can be found here http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/20094564. Ohh poang how thankful I am to your ergonomic design, without you my spinal cord probably would have torn itself out from my body and ran away, firstly because it was in so much pain and secondly because it did not want to participate in this crime anymore.
Realizing that I have actually read through 1192 pages, another 756 pages did not sound too bad, and as a reminder there still was no sex between our inseparable love birds. So I started reading the 756 pages of the forth and last installment of the Twilight series, Breaking Dawn, what a cool title if I may add, NOT. Now by this time I was reading much slower, I guess my eyes hurt more because I had zoomed the PDF in my Preview Application to 180%, I don’t actually remember if It was 180% so I did a reenactment of the reading just now and it looked like 180%.
756 pages are not easy to read. My mother found me once again siting in the same position as on Saturday morning. By now she was feeling scared for me, but hey I was reading, you see I do not read often, well I mean I read at least a book a month, but this crazy trance of reading that I was in had only happened once before when the Harry Potter books were being released. She knew I was not reading Shakepeare, but she also knew that there was no more Harry Potter books and that there could not be anything worse than the Harry Potter books, so she let me continue with my self destructive endeavor.
By around 10 PM, when my mother woke up and found me, I had read about 300 pages, so I had about 450 pages to go, not so bad, how hard can it be.
BUT WAIT, the most important thing had happened, the fucken vampire and self indulging human girl had sex, and not once, this happened around page 70 I think, I was reading an ebook version. What is more interesting is that this happened around 6AM for me on Sunday morning. Can you believe this, I, an Armenian Apostolic Christian was reading about vampire sex on a Sunday morning, to even make things worse I am a deacon of the Armenian church. I know right, even I can’t believe the crime that I was committing on that cold Sunday morning, and the whole weekend not to forget. Well they had sex, finally that asshole, Edward allowed Bella to have her way, now where did all the conservative ideologies disappear?
Well ladies and gentleman and vampires. They were married, HELLO, its ok to have sex when you are married especially if it leads to a child, well in this case a fucken vampire child.
You see, I will repeat this for the slow ones, it is ok to have sex when you are married, Edward and Bella are married by this point in the story. They are on their honeymoon. And as regular, God fearing, members of the conservative constituency, they are allowed, they are even obligated to conceive a child. So the sex is allowed at this point.
Wow thanks, finally they do the dirty.
But hold on its only the fucken 6th chapter of the first book (Breaking Dawn is in three parts, the first and third sections are written from Bella Swan’s perspective and the second is written from the perspective of Jacob Black, thanks wiki for the quick copy/paste), there is still tons to read. Well being the robotic moron I am, I continued to read through the ER style situation that Bella had found herself in.
Pregnancy is not suppose to be easy, it is a double edged sword. It is a “holy” act, but it is also comes with pain, because ultimately sex is a sin. Holy shit, who the fuck says shit like this. People, sex is good, and in Frank Zappa’s words masturbation in even better and safer. Really, why could not the two, Bella and Edward, masturbate like normal people, or vampires. Its not so hard all you got to do is see the other person naked and you can even sit apart, hello, there is the miracle called the Internet and video chatting, Edward did not even have to rip Bella’s throat out, he could have just destroyed computer monitors, I am sure he could afford new ones. But no who uses the internet for sex?!!.
Ok, well around late afternoon I decided to get the fuck off my ass, and try to walk, I had tennis practice at 7PM and I needed to shower.
I have to admit the books are very addictive, I do not recommend them to anyone because I do not want anyone to suffer psychologically or physically, as I did.
Around 5PM, mind you I did not go to church that day, I resumed my reading. I was around the end of the second book (Jacob’s), so thats like around page 200.
Well what can I say, the werewolf boy had feelings too. Unconventionally all these mystical creatures have feelings in this saga. One hour later I was deep in shit, I could not stop reading again, but I had to leave the house to go to tennis, so I converted the pdf to txt, and put it on my dad’s palm, because he would not let me take his iPhone. So I read while walking to the train, almost falling of course, and on the train, and walking to the tennis club, and while I waited for the team, and while playing tennis, during set breaks that is, and walking to the train, and on the train, and walking back home, and in the shower, yes in the shower I almost destroyed my dads Palm, I think it was a Palm TX. Finally back in my Ikea poang armchair, ohh I had missed her, and back on my Macbook Pro, ohh I had missed her too, my eyes were already melting out of my head, from reading on that fucken tiny screen, and my right wrist was disabled from scrolling every fucken 2 minutes with a tiny stylus pen.
Well I finished the book around 3AM. Yes I did it, I actually read three books, a mind-boggling 1948 pages, almost 2000 pages. And yes they do have more sex, hell ya, thanks to Bella’s new found abilities Edward can hear her thoughts finally and their sex is even better than before. THE END
HOLD ON. Can you fucken believe this shit, the book ends with:
“We have plenty of time to work on it,” I reminded him.
“Forever and forever and forever,” he murmured. “
That sounds exactly right to me.”
And then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever.
the end
Is Stephenie Meyer, that idiotic, this is what I get after 2000 pages of reading, ““Forever and forever and forever””, What the hell.
This is just a fucken joke, how does one end a four installation novel series with “Forever and forever and forever”.
After writing 2450 words, and after you reading these 2457 words, I would like to say please if you must read the books, I wish you god’s speed. Because wasting more than a weekend on these books is sad.
Well I am not done after 2493 words, I would like to surprise you even more with my stupid self.
Recently I watched New Moon, once again for legal purposes, I will say I watched it in theaters. Well after watching it I could not resist myself, it was a weekend again, actually I watched it on a Sunday evening, and so I wanted to remind myself that these two idiots actually have sex. So I opened my PDFs. I read some of the third novel, Eclipse, but it was too boring the second time around. So I read the last installment again, of course faster and I skipped to the good parts.
You see the movie was horrible, the reviewers got this one right, it is not even 2 stars out of 5. It is just bad, the acting is not being carried on Kristen Stwart’s shoulders, as one reviewer praised Kristen Stewart for “carrying the film on her shoulders and, once again, bringing plenty of soul to a character who might otherwise come across as self-indulgent”. The film was being carried by her retarded face, mind you I for some reason like that face, god I feel like killing myself, her face somehow is attractive to me, it makes my very spine shiver with disgust.
I am guessing the proceeding films will be as bad because the books are no better.
What can I say, I am a pervert. Call me whatever you want, I kinda like vampi sex, it sounds interesting in a scientific way.
Well back to my point, I just looked at the gross incomes of these films, I am not going to even state them, they are so large that I fell like jumping out of the window.
I would like to give congratulations to Stephenie Meyer, for creating such an addictive drug for so many individuals around the world. Hats off to her.
And I would like to congratulate you for reading this shit, of 2853 words, you are a prince/princess for reading, thanks. I hope no one has to live through my experience.
Thanks
If i didn’t love you and had a sense of humor i would have hung you from your balls.
Too true, too true. 2853 words huh???? I (literally) don’t think that I have ever read that much in my entire life put together…Excluding study material.
you should read more naro :)
hahaha this was actually pretty funny a truly valid opinion seeing as how you actually read the books
Does reading the history textbook count?
Lols still the amount you read is unbelievable.